Happy Christmahanakwanzaakah!

There, now everyone is taken care of. Here it is the season that I've come to love (minus the snow, of course). The feeling is unparalleled, even for a Buddhist. I guess it's because the world feels a bit gentler when everyone's thinking of people and sharing gifts large and small.

This year has been a struggle. Continuously having to define myself and rebuild after domestic violence. Trying to strike a balance between my life as a mama and my life outside of the house (still working that one out, by the by). And trying to iron out the money and figure out how to surface from the smoke and debris *laughing*...

But this time of year for the last two years now has been my time to reflect. Maybe it's because of my daughter. Maybe it's because the few years that I've been on the planet have made me a little wiser. Whatever it is, I've come to like this time of year.

Last Friday, I put up my purple Erotic City Christmas tree. The colors are in honor of Prince, of course, and it actually catapulted me into the season. I was kind of in a funk, but when the tree went up, things shifted. Magic dust rubbed off on the house after I was able to take it out of it's box and ponder the passing of the year and how far I'd come...

The playing field changes in Michigan

Well, I lived to tell the story and have been skating several times since, so I guess I've got a new hobby. Roller skating... Woo hoo.

Things have been quiet recently. I've been kicking it around the house. Soaking in the quiet and enjoying spending quality time with my daughter. Minimal television, lots of playing dollies, and no fuss from her crazed father. I've just been wondering where it all goes in terms of time. I am so scared that I'll look up and 20 years will have passed and I'll still be living here.

I envisioned something more.

Especially now that Michigan has the Proposal 2 ban on affirmative action that is hanging in the balance as we speak. That disheartens me tremendously. I am saddened to think that someone could possibly vote to ban it when it only levels the playing field slightly. Universities are not overrun with students of color. At my alma mater, we Black folks only made up about 11% of the student population. You call that a handout? I am soooooo saddened by this. If it passes, sign me up for the nearest protest...

I didn't get shit as a handout. I graduated from undergrad with magna cum laude status. I finished my Master's with roughly a 3.9. I walked into job interviews impressive on paper, but my employer probably wondered how to market me. They need not worry because I brought diversity to them. I filled in blanks and got to break stereotypes down for people and that's what affirmative action provides. A chance for employers to see the real world, not just the one they work so hard to manufacture. Without it, I simply don't have the words... (shaking head)

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How do you celebrate your birthday in a full-body cast?

It's my birthday and I have not felt the festvity that usually grips me by now. Tonight I am going skating with my best friend and live in fear of an injury, but other than that, no excitement or ticker tape. Just another semi-quiet evening...

To be continued....

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Let's call him G, hypothetically of course...

Ever realized your mistake and done the Homer Simpson, "DOH!!!"

That's me right now. Egg all over my face. Years ago, I met a sincere and sweet guy, let's just call him G. G was anything a girlie librarian could ask. Sweet. Funny. Charming. Sexy. And on top of that he had a voice, ladies. The kind they'd charge $2.99 per mintue on one of those after hours commercials to hear. We talked everyday and were vibin'. Then it happened.

He said love. I said love. And I knew that I'd met love. The kind of love that doesn't give a shit about time or what's appropriate. The kind of love that begs to be addressed. Love that knows no boundaries. I was scared. Shitless to be exact...

Here it is. More than 3 years later and I'm wishing for just a brief rewind. One where I could just tell G that I want him and that I was afraid. One second to do shit right. To fly out and visit the brother when he asked. To stop waiting on him to leave and allow myself to give into the feeling I get in my chest when I think of our conversations.

Living without him was easy, it seemed. It's living with my mistakes. That's the hard part...

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How time flies

Whew! The weather is changing and man, is it cold. I can't believe that time is flying like this. My daughter is working on using the potty, I'm sneaking up on my 4th year as a real live librarian and, man, have times changed. I first came to librarianship because my former marriage was disintegrating and I needed a real career. Though I had a Bachelor's, I couldn't find a job, so I decided to go back to school and viola! I got my Master's.

It was just that simple. But now, I'm looking back and the time seems to have just disappeared.

I'm still adjusting to being a parent and finding the right balance of authority and gentleness. It's hard because she is ever changing. She was a happy innocent baby for only what seems like 10 minutes and the next thing I knew, she was a toddler who is capable of throwing a fit, yet remaining so sweet that I can't help, but cuddle her. My emotions are all over the place when I see how fast she's growing up. I become nostalgic about holding her again when she was first born. Then I wish that the climate was right for my to physically have another babe, but the reality is against me, so I'm trying to research adoption...

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A break

She's back....

It has been hectic for a sista lately. Between gearing up for summer reading and back-to-back conferences, I've barely had time to breathe. But I'm back.

I'm starting my summer reading program at the library and I think this is the hardest year of summer reading I've done because I'm alone at my library. There are no other children's librarians. Just me. This year's program is going to be the deal breaker that shows and proves my skill as a librarian. The programming is going to be all me all the time and I stay busy trying to keep it fresh.

Then throw in the fact that I've been pretty much missing in action at my library because I went to two conferences within 3 weeks. Call it what you want, but a sista has barely had time to blink. So here I am, taking a couple of vacation days to recharge myself and hopefully clean my house. :(

I'm going to try to just relax these next few days before the holiday because I need the time for a bit of reflection...

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What happened to the days we didn't settle?

Yes, my people I have returned. I took a brief sabbatical to shake some stuff around in my head. There were issues with everything: the job, my daughter's dad, etc. Sometimes the ass just drops out of everything and there you are holding the pieces, trying to look normal.

I applied for a promotion at work. I knew I could get it. I'm a librarian's librarian. I love children's programming. I enjoy the thrill of tracking info down. What more can I say? And the probability was looking excellent. There were three Librarian III gigs and three of us applied, but at the interview, I was stunned. Suddenly, there was only one job and three of us fighting and rolling around on the floor for it. I didn't scratch hard enough, LOL, so I remain a Librarian II until the next go round.

Then the drama...

You give up on love and settle. Sometimes it just happens.

I look at my cousin and her husband and they love each other. They really do. I see it when they talk about one another. When they play with their children. In their freedom to be themselves with each other. Why don't I have that I wonder...

Sure, my little one's dad is attractive, but it really stops there. He turned abusive and just couldn't loosen the reigns. I want you to know that I'm not some shivering waif in the forest and I've never been anyone's "victim." This can happen to anyone. I've got not one, but two degrees, a home and a Volvo, to boot. I say this all to say that there are the stereotypes that say a battered woman is uneducated and dependent on her mate. Bullshit!

I'm smart and funny, but somehow I became a target on his rage. Suddenly, I tipped around on eggshells in my own home. The power came to me when I stopped being afraid. Stopped seeing him as out of control. Each movement was controlled be it the yelling or the hitting. He has to take ownership of that.

I ponder these things to say what happened to the days when we didn't settle, were uncompromising even about what we expected in our mates? Where are the days of the real men who supported their families and kept their hands to themselves? Was there ever such a time or was it just that women then didn't speak out? Were they just settling, too?

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