Technology is wonderful, when it works

Me: Hi, I'm BMJ and I have a problem.

Them: Hi, BMJ.

Me: I've be obsessed with technology for years now and it isn't getting any better...

I am the techno junkie you hate to see coming.  50 million gadgets in tow.  I was told they would make my life simpler.  Not quite sure how that is since I spend the majority of the time on the phone begging some company or another to fix their merchandise.  LOL  My latest obsession was the phone of my dreams.

I had to have the HTC Thunderbolt from Verizon.  I was told this thing would cure leprosy, so I bought in.  I needed the fast 4G speed and the great cell phone coverage.  Coverage that could be relied upon when T-Mobile's mytouch 4G had left me high and dry.  And what happened?  It quit on me.  I can't get 4G coverage to save my life at home.  And I thought foolishly that I could disconnect my DSL and rely solely on the mobile hot spot on my phone.  Foolish young grasshopper...  When I comb the internet, the reviews are telling me it is the phone to blame.  So I call.

I call not once, but what feels like infinite times to get it resolved.  How does my phone repay me, you ask? After hanging up with a rep yesterday, I simply shut itself off.  Hmmmmm...  So now they are shipping me my third phone since October.  Let's see how this one goes.  I'm just waiting till the day when they can just implant the cell chip in your brain and you can surf the net on the screen implanted in your arm.  Till then I guess...

Happy Birthday to us

Seven years?  Can it be so?  We celebrated her birthday and there was dinner and a trip to be pampered.  No balloons or Chuck E. Cheese madness for us this year.

I stand amazed that my daughter has been growing for seven years and has the height, vocabulary and beauty to prove it.  Have I weathered seven years of single parenting and come out alive?  I toss my short, sleek hair back and laugh.  Yes, I certainly have.  *At this point, my daughter would remind me that my hair doesn't move when I toss it, but I digress.  I feel like Picasso as I step back and say that I created that young lady.

Times have changed.  I have changed with them and even when it was at its bleakest last year, I pressed on.  I had to and couldn't afford to crumble.  I have seven-year-old eyes watching my every move to figure out what position she was to play.  She played it, too.

When I returned from my nine days in the hospital at my mom's side, my daughter watched me renew myself as a domesticated and humbled parent.  She also watched when I didn't eat my peas and made sure to fuss at me until I did.  It's funny how the roles reverse and sometimes the adult becomes the child.

I've learned to be even more skillful and resourceful.  I guess you can say that I've sharpened the saw.  I emerged a greater person, not because I was confident, but because my mom would have wanted me to.  I couldn't falter.

I hadn't stumbled when my relationship with my daughter's father crumbled into dust.  I hadn't stumbled when I took a leave from my employer after the loss of my mom and my supervisor was not feeling it.  I simply didn't give a shit.  My mental health had to prevail because I have seven-year-old eyes watching me.  2011 showed me that I inherently know what to do in every situation that comes my way.  The answer is right there inside and all I have to do is listen to it.

That is how I made it through these seven years.  That little voice inside.

If you knock, you can hear how hollow it is.

What can I say about this past year that does not include the words bombed-out and depleted?

My mom? Gone.

My uncle? Gone.

Stability in the hood? Gone.

Retreating to the safety of a gated condo? Indeed.

I found out a lot about myself in 2011.  I discovered that I really had been living all this time.  When my mom died on March 1, I looked at myself in the mirror for a while trying to figure out what remained.  I guess all that remained was me.  A bit thinner.  Worse for wear.  But I was still in there.

I thought I would never laugh again.  Sometimes I do.  I thought I would never eat a good hot meal again, since my mom loved to cook.  I have.  I thought I would die.  I'm still here.

Then the fools broke in to my home.  Again, thought I would die.  Thought life was continuing on it's downspin. It wasn't.  It was making me stronger.  Prepping me to pull myself together.  Then I found myself questioning my then relationship.  The realization hit me that I needed not question what I was staring at.  Instead, I needed to question whether it was useful.  It wasn't.  I unpacked it.

So here I stand with the wreckage of 2011 right behind me.  Present and accounted for.