Stand clear of the wreckage ma'am...

I knew it would come.  The day when I couldn't escape the feelings that I had been harboring after the ex disappeared and it is funny the things that can dredge it all up.

Here I sit at my desk.  I had just put out of my mind some information I had received regarding child support -- information that instantly triggered a headache -- when I witnessed a woman in an abusive relationship at my library.  It was subtle and to the untrained eye, it looked like a normal dispute.  But because the hushed tones and sad faces were right by my desk, I was right there in it.

Sitting at my desk, I am often an innocent bystander in so many lives as an anonymous librarian.  I heard the woman's frustration as her man refused to engage her son and his need for attention.  I saw her man stomp off in a huff because she wasn't focusing enough on him and his quiet disregard for her children who wanted to check out their games from the library.  I saw her sad, defeated nature when she gave into his behavior by rounding up her children and telling them that they couldn't get their games and now had to leave because he was in a bad mood.

I watched her daughter mount her legs into their braces so that they could follow the man who had already stormed out.  Her disappointed toddler not understanding why their trip had ended so abruptly.  What was most disappointing of all was that I saw myself.

I remember the wreckage of trying to appease someone who was insatiably unhappy.  I remember compromising my mothering in order to be more of the nonexistent person that my ex wanted.  I often wish that I never have to run into that version of myself again.  Sadly, time and time again I am greeted by her when I hear stories of women who can't talk on the phone too long, go anywhere, or that have to rush home for fear of World War III visiting their home otherwise.  My Nonna recently told me that if you live long enough, you will meet yourself.  Sadly, that is too true sometimes.  I look forward to a time when domestic violence is not the norm.