Help! I smell smoke: How I was able to break out of my shell and attract the man I'm seeing

There's something to be said about not being a shivering waif waiting for someone to speak up for you.  I'm single.  So much so, I've forgotten what it's like to have a steady companion aside from my daughter.  But one day, I decided to stop waiting for a man to speak to me and show interest.  After all, that method didn't seem to be working for me.

The last man that showed interest, after about a month and some change of dating straight disappeared.  I'm talking that Harry Houdini himself would have been amazed at how crazy the shit was when it happened.  I figured at that point that I was slipping.  I expressed my concerns to a couple of my friends when I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and they said I was basically paranoid.  But when he vanished.  I knew.  And I was pissed.  I was pissed because I let my guard down and suspended my disbelief only to be disappointed.

Then there was the man before that.  He was my companion of all of a year.  I'd overlooked a few key things: the hatred in his heart for his ex wife, the gas and lights at his home being shutoff, and his perpetual need to prove that he could sustain a business -- even when it was painfully clear that he could not.  But the final straw was how clear I could see his character when my mother died.  That was it.  Check please.  I'm outta here.  And I was gone.

So flash forward to today.  I'm leaner, meaner and a lot more discerning about who is allowed to call my home and say that they are interested in a date.  I've for the most part, laid back and watched and waited someone I was interested in, not just the lucky dude who flags me down.  I could hear my cousin's voice saying you better stop waiting on them to say something to you.

I was sauntering out of my condo on afternoon, sundress and natural puff of curls blowing in the breeze when what to my eyes should appear?  Not one, two or three firefighters.  Four!  I said hello and there was one.  Our eyes caught and his hello seemed just a tad friendlier than the others.  So I locked onto his glaze and smiled.  But I had my daughter with me.  That's a no go.  I don't flirt with her in view.  But what was I to do?

He was handsome with his rugged exterior and twinkling eyes.  Well, I did what any girl would do.  I proceeded to the gas station.  After all, I was low on gas.  As soon as I stepped out of my SUV, I calmly called the gatehouse at my condo.  I asked the security officer if the fire department was still there and she said yes.  So I asked her to convey a phone number to Mr. Twinkly Eyes and I heard her as she gave him my name and phone number.  Later that night, I had a text of him introducing himself and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

Well. that was at the tail end of July.  I am happy to report that I've been seeing him pretty much ever since and there is something to be said for taking a hell of a chance.  He makes me feel extra girly and he's an unparalleled cook.  Who knew?  Well, I wouldn't have, had I not said a simple hello that afternoon...

Made it back from Vegas.  Whew!  Needed a vacation from the vacation.  A sista was tired.  Sure, there were dance shoes to keep track of and a hormonal 'tween.  But there was also Circus Cicus' Adventuredome, the Michael Jackson ONE show by Cirque du Soleil, and countless hours roaming around The Strip.  I stayed within my budget and enjoyed our time.

And now, I'm settling back into life in the big city and back to reality.

The reality that I'm in need of working out a realistic budget for myself.  I've already started saying no to going places and it really is quite liberating.  When I discovered that I could not be everywhere at once -- something I often tell my daughter about her social schedule -- it freed me to stop spending so damned much.  Take for instance last pay period, I allotted myself an entertainment allowance and guess what?  When that money was spent, no more outings for that pay period.  Simple as that.  I don't think I allowed myself as much fun as I wanted, but hey!  Live and learn, so this paycheck's fun money will have a little bump in the fun money fund.

The joys of budgeting out my existence as a single mama extraordinaire!

Here I am set to embark upon our trip to Las Vegas.  I've never been with a child before.  The first time I ventured there was to get married in December of 2001.  What an adventure that turned out to be...

So now we'll be headed there tomorrow for a dance competition.  Gotta get my head in the game.  This dance season has worn on me unlike any other and I am not quite sure why.  Maybe it was the financial stress.  Maybe it is the realization that no matter how long I wait, my mom is simply not coming back to assist me.  Maybe it is just the thankless life of a single parent.  It is really hard to say.

I've spent the better part of two weeks counting shoes, tights and costumes while learning on the fly to apply false eyelashes.  Oh, the life of a dance mom...

My goal on this time is to find a little corner of sanity.  Just a fragment of vacation time because right now, I have the impending dread that every moment will be consumed by thoughts of tights and leotards when I'm in the country's adult playground.

Then there is the fear that sweeps over me when I wonder do I have enough money to go.  Food everyday.  Souvenirs.  Admission to various places.  Oh, the stress.  But then I hear the little voice saying you have all that you need.  What more could you bring?

As a single mama, the crunching of the numbers doesn't stop just because I get a temporary change of zip code.  So, I'm just going to brace myself and enjoy as much of this one as possible.  After all, a girl doesn't get to travel to Vegas everyday.  Alone or with a kid in tow...

A Change is Gonna Come (with respect to the late Sam Cooke)

I was born by the river in a little tent / Oh, just like the river I've been running ever since

The winds of change have been all around me.  I excitedly packed my 11+ boxes of belongings and headed across town to bring my youthful managerial style to a new location.  I feared the unknown and wondered -- both privately and publicly -- what I had just asked for when I began the journey.  And, yes, it is only across town, but even that is a world away from the dissatisfaction I felt trapped in a passive-aggressive environment.

That freed up a lot of my life.  I felt like a weight had been removed from my chest and that everything else would fall into line.

And it pretty much has.  

I'm with people that I work well with and that understand my vision.  I have freedom to experience the world as other managers do.  I can hit the streets and do outreach and attend meetings without eyeballing my dreaded enemy: The Clock.

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long / But now I think I'm able to carry on

But more than that, it has freed my personal life.  I know that I spent an unhealthy amount of time internally hating those who hated on me.  I was unhappy because of them and because I had allowed myself to grow to hate them so.  I also discovered the magic of carving out my own time.  I no longer feel as though I have to report to those that I supervise.  The people that I left felt as though I needed to explain the inner workings of my life so they could validate my rationales.  No more.

Then the cherry on top of it all is that I got the opportunity to do something I've wanted to do forever and because my career has right-sided itself, I am able to embark upon another journey.  How exciting.  More on that later...

I am thankful for the opportunity that I have been given to recharge and reshape my focus!

It's been a long, a long time coming / But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will