That's What Friends Are For (man, I hate that song)

When you have a friend as long as I've had a friend, you know one another's idiosyncrasies.  You know when the person is happy, when they are sad, and when they are pissed beyond all belief. Well, it saddens me to see my best friend frustrated.  And as I ponder her situation, I cannot help but notice my own.

Understand that I still believe in fairy tales. I still believe that there is the perfect person for me out there. I still want to see other people's marriages and relationships be fruitful. It gives me hope. It lets me know the world is not as cruel as it can be.

When I look at my past, and all of the scattered the rubble of relationships past, I often wonder why I am not able to find the perfect person for me just yet. The person that will share my bed every night and snuggle.  The person who will make coffee in the morning and rile me out of bed.

But then I look at others and have always taken comfort knowing that they found their person. So surely mine just must be wandering about looking for me. That sounds really good, but clearly the muthafucka is lost and has no sense of direction.  Nor does he have GPS on his phone.  In this day and age, who doesn't have GPS on their phone?  I digress...

I've dated a guy for little over a year and in that year, there has been lots of fun, lots of bullshit, and lots of memories made.  Problem is, I wonder if he is the one.  You know that mythical one that I'm supposed to ride off into the sunset with who understands me better than the rest of the world.  I'm not so sure, but day to day, I make the best of it.

After consulting with my very own relationship guru, also known as my cousin, I lamented that this had just been a tremendous waste of time.  She corrected me and noted that I had fun and so there was no waste there.  I tell myself that she's right even if I am not so convinced myself.  A girl's got to believe in something, right?

Help! I smell smoke: How I was able to break out of my shell and attract the man I'm seeing

There's something to be said about not being a shivering waif waiting for someone to speak up for you.  I'm single.  So much so, I've forgotten what it's like to have a steady companion aside from my daughter.  But one day, I decided to stop waiting for a man to speak to me and show interest.  After all, that method didn't seem to be working for me.

The last man that showed interest, after about a month and some change of dating straight disappeared.  I'm talking that Harry Houdini himself would have been amazed at how crazy the shit was when it happened.  I figured at that point that I was slipping.  I expressed my concerns to a couple of my friends when I had a gut feeling that something was amiss and they said I was basically paranoid.  But when he vanished.  I knew.  And I was pissed.  I was pissed because I let my guard down and suspended my disbelief only to be disappointed.

Then there was the man before that.  He was my companion of all of a year.  I'd overlooked a few key things: the hatred in his heart for his ex wife, the gas and lights at his home being shutoff, and his perpetual need to prove that he could sustain a business -- even when it was painfully clear that he could not.  But the final straw was how clear I could see his character when my mother died.  That was it.  Check please.  I'm outta here.  And I was gone.

So flash forward to today.  I'm leaner, meaner and a lot more discerning about who is allowed to call my home and say that they are interested in a date.  I've for the most part, laid back and watched and waited someone I was interested in, not just the lucky dude who flags me down.  I could hear my cousin's voice saying you better stop waiting on them to say something to you.

I was sauntering out of my condo on afternoon, sundress and natural puff of curls blowing in the breeze when what to my eyes should appear?  Not one, two or three firefighters.  Four!  I said hello and there was one.  Our eyes caught and his hello seemed just a tad friendlier than the others.  So I locked onto his glaze and smiled.  But I had my daughter with me.  That's a no go.  I don't flirt with her in view.  But what was I to do?

He was handsome with his rugged exterior and twinkling eyes.  Well, I did what any girl would do.  I proceeded to the gas station.  After all, I was low on gas.  As soon as I stepped out of my SUV, I calmly called the gatehouse at my condo.  I asked the security officer if the fire department was still there and she said yes.  So I asked her to convey a phone number to Mr. Twinkly Eyes and I heard her as she gave him my name and phone number.  Later that night, I had a text of him introducing himself and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.

Well. that was at the tail end of July.  I am happy to report that I've been seeing him pretty much ever since and there is something to be said for taking a hell of a chance.  He makes me feel extra girly and he's an unparalleled cook.  Who knew?  Well, I wouldn't have, had I not said a simple hello that afternoon...

Hawaii 5-0

I ride this plane somewhere between time zones and jet lagged enough to still be wired.  I think about how strange my life has been.  Here I sit with my daughter's head in my lap wondering about ways to soften myself. After all, I bred this incredible fireball who is so talented that we are leaving her dance troupe's Hawaiian performance tour.

When I see her, I am certain that her fierce femininity is a mirror of mine. I would like to soften myself enough to be girly, whatever the hell that means.  Seriously, I've been glancing at my hardened persona and how it has arisen out of the need not to be hurt or continuously invest my emotions in those who do not deserve my air.

I can't help but ponder the ways in which I used to question why I was selected to be the beacon for educated single mothers and why I wasn't instead the beacon for happily married women.  But this is the lot I've drawn and it became painfully clear that this life had been carefully designed long before I could make choices.

My lot was cast when my mom showed me that single women don't cry about their lot as they empty mouse traps and model beer can Christmas ornaments.  Single women say fuck it and lean in.  The do what they have to do and say to hell with the rest.  Single women teach their little girls to be independent while enjoying themselves.   Single women say I'm going to make sure that I don't trip over that same landmine dressed as a handsome face.  

When my mom died unexpectedly, I had a short body to snuggle with who loved me more than I could love myself at the time.  An surprisingly tiny set of hands to wipe my face and push me to get dressed in the morning. Then it all made perfect sense.  We were alone so that we would forge a relationship that would slay one another's dragons when they rose.  We were alone to make jokes no one else would understand while being able to weep when we most needed it.

But somewhere in there is still the need for intimacy and not the type that I'm prone to do, where I select the body I'm most comfortable with for the evening.  The kind where I opt not be bothered for another few months until I feel like being bothered again.  I find myself lusting after cozy movie nights where I fall asleep in his pajama bottoms after being too sleepy to even watch more than half an hour of the movie.   That is the intimacy I value even though my drive allows for way more than that.

As I've become increasingly clear that my life was designed this way -- flaws and all -- I have no choice, but to believe my king is out there and he's just being prepped for how to best handle me.  And maybe I'll be ready when he appears.  I'm learning to wait...

and knowing is half the battle...

It all seemed so simple. Boy meets girl. Girl thinks boy is hot. Boy thinks girl is hot. All is well for our hero. Or is it? This situation wasn't quite so simple. We are adults and with that adult status come the complexities of life.

We met at our children's school. We would see each other there and I tried to turn off any attraction to him that I felt. But then I laid that BS down and we began meeting for coffee and movies and dinners and jazz. The rest is history.

Somewhere in the back of my mind though I worried (and sometimes still do) that once the folks at the school pick up on the relationship, all hell will break loose. Why? I am not sure considering that I am a parent. I am not a pillar of the establishment or anything. LOL Anyhow, I wonder what will happen and time and time again, he has said that he doesn't care what they think and that it will be just a day in the life once things are settled. *Tuck this statement away for future reference. It will become an integral part of this story...

So fast forward to New Year's Eve. He planned a night full of board games, movies, and fun for us and our three beautiful daughters. There was pizza, music, sparkling blueberry lemonade and us. What more could a girl ask? So the ball dropped and everyone ran around hugging and then it was movie time. Around 3 a.m., it was bedtime for the little ones and I must admit he and I had the same picture in our heads as to how that part would go.

The girls would be exhausted. Put on their PJs and crawl into bed and fall asleep. His teen daughter would keep watching her movie and laughing. We would continue playing Monopoly sprawled out on his living room floor while talking trash to one another. Seamless plan, right? The execution of that plan was something altogether different.

The girls got into bed and I read them a story. My daughter had already begun asking if I was going to stay the night and I had tried -- unskillfully, I must admit -- to deflect the question. Too late though because it hung in the air.

As he and I took a moment to regroup from our restless, five-year-olds. We sat on the couch and had the talk. He said that things had taken a turn and he worried about how this would be broadcast at the school by our children because of my daughter's concerns. He then went on to state that he didn't want to have to explain himself or our relationship to his ex-wife or anyone at the school right now.

Could I be hearing this correctly? I thought to myself. I felt like a little kid. I wanted to take my ball and go home. This could not possibly be the man that said that I would have to face the very real possibility of his ex-wife running into us somewhere and that I should not worry about what other parents may say. I was furious and saddened. I cannot lie.

My daughter wanted to stay so I tucked her into his oldest daughter's bed as my little one looks up to her and wanted to sleep there. By candlelight, I kissed my sleeping daughter's head and tried to fight back the tears surfacing in my eyes. When I came out, he said that since it was late, he would sleep around the corner at his father's. But for me, the damage was done. I was out.

I had checked out mentally when he let himself say what he had and I could not allow myself to stay. He hugged me and I felt void. I still had those same tears threatening to make an appearance, but I felt too hollow to allow them to fall. He asked me to stay. I told him I could not and he walked me to my car. I drove home and called when I settled in. I let him know exactly how I felt when he said what he had and the conversation was punctuated by my sobs. He was quiet and apologetic. I told him that now I knew that somewhere in his mind, those thoughts still had a place and how that made me feel.

Later that morning, I came back to get my daughter and we did not reference the conversation. He made breakfast for all of us. We talked and laughed. Kissed and smiled. Even napped while the girls ran amuck. So now I know what I am up against and he knows that I know...

Dating: Almost But Not Quite

He likes me. Maybe he loves me. That's what his mouth says. I am familiar to him. Like that old shirt with the hole that we just cannot bring ourselves to throw out. But is that enough?

Is this how far we have come and just for this? There has to be more. I don't have that passion and that drive for him. Maybe because I know what it brings along with it. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Frustration.

And why was it that I was willing to give this dating thing a whirl again? Just wondering...