Alone, but not quite

Okay, so I bought this great condo that my best friend only half-jokingly calls my "timeshare." Only half-jokingly because I don't live there. I have been so hesistant to officially move there. I know that my daughter and I will be living between two places and I like that option as I will have a bit more privacy. But with that privacy comes this feeling that I should have a more active social life to support my need for privacy.

But, alas, that has not happened. I don't seem to have much of a dating life. I head out to see my friends in fits and starts and part of me is left to wonder. How did I turn into this? Granted, I know how I turned into a parent. That part is easy to explain, well sort of... What I did not know about my path to motherhood (in the beginning) was that it was laced with an abusive partner who thought that children would operate as a tether of sorts to keep my chained down to domesticity. Only partially true. I head out with the kid on my back, so that one is a stike out. But I remember a few years back when I was in therapy, my stellar therapist affirmed my feeling that I was wrapping my life too much into my daughter. A child should not become the excuse for not living a viable life. I knew that, but I did it because she was my safety net at the time.

Now, I know that I can't charge her with my social life. She has her own stuff and her own friends. All preschoolers, too, but friends nonetheless. So, now what? I'm trying not to be afraid. Be afraid of things that I so took for granted before. Going to a movie alone. Heading out to go dancing alone. The list could go on and on. But the crux of it is, I want my life back. I want to be just as active in my adult life as I am with my little one. I want to feel like I am enjoying adult conversation and events with friends and right now, it just hasn't been happening...