When I see her, I am certain that her fierce femininity is a mirror of mine. I would like to soften myself enough to be girly, whatever the hell that means. Seriously, I've been glancing at my hardened persona and how it has arisen out of the need not to be hurt or continuously invest my emotions in those who do not deserve my air.
I can't help but ponder the ways in which I used to question why I was selected to be the beacon for educated single mothers and why I wasn't instead the beacon for happily married women. But this is the lot I've drawn and it became painfully clear that this life had been carefully designed long before I could make choices.
My lot was cast when my mom showed me that single women don't cry about their lot as they empty mouse traps and model beer can Christmas ornaments. Single women say fuck it and lean in. The do what they have to do and say to hell with the rest. Single women teach their little girls to be independent while enjoying themselves. Single women say I'm going to make sure that I don't trip over that same landmine dressed as a handsome face.
When my mom died unexpectedly, I had a short body to snuggle with who loved me more than I could love myself at the time. An surprisingly tiny set of hands to wipe my face and push me to get dressed in the morning. Then it all made perfect sense. We were alone so that we would forge a relationship that would slay one another's dragons when they rose. We were alone to make jokes no one else would understand while being able to weep when we most needed it.
But somewhere in there is still the need for intimacy and not the type that I'm prone to do, where I select the body I'm most comfortable with for the evening. The kind where I opt not be bothered for another few months until I feel like being bothered again. I find myself lusting after cozy movie nights where I fall asleep in his pajama bottoms after being too sleepy to even watch more than half an hour of the movie. That is the intimacy I value even though my drive allows for way more than that.
As I've become increasingly clear that my life was designed this way -- flaws and all -- I have no choice, but to believe my king is out there and he's just being prepped for how to best handle me. And maybe I'll be ready when he appears. I'm learning to wait...
