You are now rockin' with the best...

I got wild with it. Out of nowhere, I have taken an extra day off work, so I will be off 'til Monday starting tonight!!! I decided to have Saturday off because my daughter's friend's birthday party is Saturday and some things are too important to miss. The reality is we don't get this time back with our little ones and once it's gone, it's gone.

I am just too excited. Man, I am such a grown up these days. I need one of those birthday party roller whistles. That's just how geeked I am.

Dating: Almost But Not Quite

He likes me. Maybe he loves me. That's what his mouth says. I am familiar to him. Like that old shirt with the hole that we just cannot bring ourselves to throw out. But is that enough?

Is this how far we have come and just for this? There has to be more. I don't have that passion and that drive for him. Maybe because I know what it brings along with it. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Frustration.

And why was it that I was willing to give this dating thing a whirl again? Just wondering...

Off to a Rough Start

Some mornings are harder than others. This morning was that morning for me. I awoke at 7 a.m. looking at my watch wishing it were 7 p.m. I got my hostile daughter up from her slumber only to discover that she was feeling much grumpier than usual. :( Then I -- pretty unskillfully I must admit -- got her dressed and fed.

It was rainy. Cold. Overall yucky, but we headed on to school and work. We listened to our favorite classical station along the way and somehow, the morning shifted. She confided that she just didn't feel like going because it was rainy. I confessed that I felt her pain, but reminded her that rainy days are good days, too. She laughed and we made our way into the school. She was so relieved to find her class playing inside this morning. :)

I headed away in search of coffee and to pay a much avoided bill and somehow, the combination of these two lifted my spirits, even in the rain. I made it to work and saw two classes of children and entertained them with dog stories. Somehow, the rain broke and once I made it to my first class of kids, I was rolling.

So remember the rain is just that: rain. There are still good days that happen to be rainy.

BMJ's amazing technicolor dream shawl

So,my daughter goes to Waldorf school. Love the school. Love the teachers. Love the change I see in my little one. Anyhow, every morning for the last month or so, I have been eyeing this beautiful, hand-knit, rainbow silk yarn shawl. It was displayed so temptingly in the display case nearest to her classroom. Every morning, there I was eyeballing it, willing to come home with me. So, I decided to save pennies from my retro paycheck at work to get it. I prepared for, wait for it, wait for it...

$600 or so.

A sizable chunk of my retro, but this annual auction is for her school, which is one of my favorite causes right now. Anyhow, it was looking good for me at the auction. My first bid was $200 and I was so grateful that it was part of the silent auction because the live auction folks have money much longer than mine.

So along come three other ladies. I was unwavering. One lady bid only once. Now we're down to three. Another lady bowed out around $450 or so. Now there are two.

This lady was feisty! But I am feistier. However, I had to keep reminding myself that this money was for my daughter's school. Not just about a purchase. So, here we were. My challenger went $500. I went $525 and she turned to me and said, "my husband said $500 was my limit." I had my game face on. Being single seems to have its advantages because at that moment my only limitation was the voice inside my own head. And at that exact moment, it didn't care about a limit. It simply said, "Get your shawl and quit playin'!"

My mind said that her declaration of her highest bid was a trick to get me to reveal my final number. I am no fool. My facial expression never faltered. As I stepped toward the table to bid, she bumped me with her hip. Still unswayed, I then bid $525. She frowned, snatched the pen at 20 seconds to go and went $550. She tried to even stand in front of the paper. I politely got her to move -- totally against her will-- and bid $600 in the final seconds.

I already knew what I would pay and that the hands that knit that lovely shawl had a hip librarian and mama like myself in me in mind for it. I am so happy that I got my beautiful shawl and supported Waldorf education simultaneously.

Step into Outlet, Already a Mistake

So, here we are back to reality from two days of play. I was at a conference and things are going as well as could be expected for the type of conference I was attending. My co-workers and I stopped to rest in our room during the break. First mistake.

Then, we looked at the schedule of workshops and instead of missing another boring keynote presenter, we were missing the main session that each of us was dying to attend. So, then, we flew down to the session only to discover, the guy was out of handouts, so instead of just sitting, what do we do?

Head to the Coach outlet! Second mistake.

After over an hour of shopping with the assistance of our new friend, Dorothy -- a Coach employee no less -- I came out over $300 lighter. (hanging head in shame). But, on the upside, where else could I have gotten a beautiful berry & purple patchwork like this for about $120? Hmm? Where? :D

The on the way home the next day, we stopped at the outlet again. This time my co-worker set the alarm on her phone so that we would not spend more than 30 minutes. It sounded good, but this was mistake number three. We heard the alarm and hid from my co-worker while we continued to shop.

So, now I'm another $70 lighter and back to my real life. Damn...

A note to the haters

I've been wrong before. Shhhhhh... Now don't tell anyone as that was between the two of us. But the difference between myself and some folks is that 1. I can admit when I am wrong and 2. I try to let go of the anger and defeat that I feel when I know I am beat. Problem is, other folks don't always do that. They hold on to the hate they have in their hearts for people and are determined to make someone's life a living hell.

Haters don't give people the credit they are due when they deserve it because there is something -- resentment, maybe -- holding them back. Then when they are outted for what they have done, they are angry. Furious that they have to occupy space with the very person they hate. For example, look at how baseball legend Jackie Robinson was treated. Spitting. Jeering. And for what? Because he was that damned good and someone else resented that. Was he going to give in and faulter like some people wanted him to? Nope, he just gave them more of what they hated him for.

And that's what you are supposed to do. Thank your haters. You've made me better. Haters make you not quit. They drive you to succeed at the moments when you want to crack and say Fuck this! I'm taking my ball home. If there were no haters, there would be little reason for people like me to keep pushing.

So, to all my haters, this one's for you. Thank you. Your constantly saying my name leds others to believe I am powerful and that they have something to fear. You tossing my name around leads people to be curious as to who I am anyway. So thank you, haters, for keeping me at the forefront of your minds. I solemnly swear to give you more of what you hate me for.

Alone, but not quite

Okay, so I bought this great condo that my best friend only half-jokingly calls my "timeshare." Only half-jokingly because I don't live there. I have been so hesistant to officially move there. I know that my daughter and I will be living between two places and I like that option as I will have a bit more privacy. But with that privacy comes this feeling that I should have a more active social life to support my need for privacy.

But, alas, that has not happened. I don't seem to have much of a dating life. I head out to see my friends in fits and starts and part of me is left to wonder. How did I turn into this? Granted, I know how I turned into a parent. That part is easy to explain, well sort of... What I did not know about my path to motherhood (in the beginning) was that it was laced with an abusive partner who thought that children would operate as a tether of sorts to keep my chained down to domesticity. Only partially true. I head out with the kid on my back, so that one is a stike out. But I remember a few years back when I was in therapy, my stellar therapist affirmed my feeling that I was wrapping my life too much into my daughter. A child should not become the excuse for not living a viable life. I knew that, but I did it because she was my safety net at the time.

Now, I know that I can't charge her with my social life. She has her own stuff and her own friends. All preschoolers, too, but friends nonetheless. So, now what? I'm trying not to be afraid. Be afraid of things that I so took for granted before. Going to a movie alone. Heading out to go dancing alone. The list could go on and on. But the crux of it is, I want my life back. I want to be just as active in my adult life as I am with my little one. I want to feel like I am enjoying adult conversation and events with friends and right now, it just hasn't been happening...

Minority Report (with respect to Jay-Z)

Here we stand a few hours before we get out to do something phenomenal here in the U.S.: VOTE. I was talking with my granny the other day. I was fuming because my friend's idiot of a spouse refused to register to vote because he didn't want to be called for jury duty. Pardon, but what kind of shit is that? Did I miss something? My granny was pissed. She said that it angers her when people refuse to recognize that people who look just like me were hosed, maltreated, and killed so that his sorry ass would have a right to cast a ballot without proving that he could read or that his grandfather wasn't a slave. His nerve offends me to the core.

I just want to say that I am very excited about getting up early and taking my daughter to stand in a line that will probably be hundreds deep to exercise my right to chose the next President. My choice? Barack Obama. I have had the fortune of seeing him speak several times and one of those was long before the Presidential race was at hand. My preschool-aged daughter will have the honor of filling in the oval that will cast our vote for a brighter future.

But what is important is that today, I pay homage to the grandmother that he lovingly called Toot. She passed away today and I have to say, thank you for rearing the man that i believe can change this country. Thank you for instilling in him the seed that grew to be determination to stand in the face of racism and smile. I am humbled to cast my ballot because I am voting for my granny. She never expected to see a Black man get this far in her lifetime. I have faith that she will see him make it once those numbers are run for the ba-zillionth time and the muck washes away.

Thank you also to those people who died, marched, and were jailed so that myself and people they had no way of knowing would even exist could vote and not be afraid. Thank you to those who saw injustice and were willing to do whatever they had to in order to right it. Thank you all. And I will do what you dreamed of me doing. I WILL VOTE.

Deadbeat

Hmmmmmm.... I seem to remember some years ago a man damned near begging me to have a baby. We stayed beefed out that weekend because I couldn't see it. Little did I know, I was already pregnant. Fast forward a few years to the present and that man is nowhere to be found. Not a card on my daughter's birthday or a call on the holidays. Nothing.

I just have to scratch my head and wonder where the first man went. That man wanted my daughter. He went to work religiously. Though he was a pitiful partner at best, he loved his daughter. Or so it seemed. Funny thing is that I have come to realize that the love was all based on whether we were together. It was all about controlling me. If I were to have a child, somehow I would be on reserve forever. I would stay with him no matter how toxic the relationship. Apparently, no one told him who I was and that I don't tolerate bullshit well.

So, once he realized that his stranglehold on our "relationship" was ineffective, he threw the towel in and gave up. Problem is, he also gave up on my daughter. Now none of this is to say that I wish he were around because, alas, I don't. The reality of it is just that I don't get it. How could someone give up on a person that they willed into existence?

That one, I will never understand and, frankly, I'm glad that I don't have the mentality to rationalize it.

Back Once Again

After a hiatus and the implosion of my other blog, a sista is back. How long? I cannot say. But I am here! Anyhow, I am grappling with a bunch of weirdness right now. None of my own I am happy to report, but still, I am managing to wade through it all.

Still a single mama. Not much has changed on that front except my child has gotten taller and wiser. I am hanging on as a librarian. No major changes on that front although I do run a branch these days. That is an entry in and of itself...

But what has been most on my mind is the fact that I seem to get involved with other people's issues and make them my own. Case and point: I have a freind whom has been one of my best friends since I was like 8. He got into a toxic relationship. And I hated to witness the flameout. But I was there and saw it end in full, blazing color. They broke up, but now they have this child who is in the middle of the bullshit. It is not fair to the baby. Kids don't ask to be here.

But he is feeling overwhelmed. I get messages from him saying that he is tired of living. Tired of the inner battles that we single parents face. We constantly play the what if game. What if I had've done this instead.... Maybe I could have changed my response and the other person would have been better off. What if I never had kids to begin with?

But at the end of the day, that is just a game and this? This shit is real. I am all about operating in the reality. Good. Bad. Or Ugly. I am just getting tired of being a mental coach that says, you can do this and anything else you damned well please. I feel like every person knows that somewhere in there regardless of whether they have a friend like me to say it. So I am getting cranky about that. I feel like some of that is eroding my normalcy...

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