and knowing is half the battle...

It all seemed so simple. Boy meets girl. Girl thinks boy is hot. Boy thinks girl is hot. All is well for our hero. Or is it? This situation wasn't quite so simple. We are adults and with that adult status come the complexities of life.

We met at our children's school. We would see each other there and I tried to turn off any attraction to him that I felt. But then I laid that BS down and we began meeting for coffee and movies and dinners and jazz. The rest is history.

Somewhere in the back of my mind though I worried (and sometimes still do) that once the folks at the school pick up on the relationship, all hell will break loose. Why? I am not sure considering that I am a parent. I am not a pillar of the establishment or anything. LOL Anyhow, I wonder what will happen and time and time again, he has said that he doesn't care what they think and that it will be just a day in the life once things are settled. *Tuck this statement away for future reference. It will become an integral part of this story...

So fast forward to New Year's Eve. He planned a night full of board games, movies, and fun for us and our three beautiful daughters. There was pizza, music, sparkling blueberry lemonade and us. What more could a girl ask? So the ball dropped and everyone ran around hugging and then it was movie time. Around 3 a.m., it was bedtime for the little ones and I must admit he and I had the same picture in our heads as to how that part would go.

The girls would be exhausted. Put on their PJs and crawl into bed and fall asleep. His teen daughter would keep watching her movie and laughing. We would continue playing Monopoly sprawled out on his living room floor while talking trash to one another. Seamless plan, right? The execution of that plan was something altogether different.

The girls got into bed and I read them a story. My daughter had already begun asking if I was going to stay the night and I had tried -- unskillfully, I must admit -- to deflect the question. Too late though because it hung in the air.

As he and I took a moment to regroup from our restless, five-year-olds. We sat on the couch and had the talk. He said that things had taken a turn and he worried about how this would be broadcast at the school by our children because of my daughter's concerns. He then went on to state that he didn't want to have to explain himself or our relationship to his ex-wife or anyone at the school right now.

Could I be hearing this correctly? I thought to myself. I felt like a little kid. I wanted to take my ball and go home. This could not possibly be the man that said that I would have to face the very real possibility of his ex-wife running into us somewhere and that I should not worry about what other parents may say. I was furious and saddened. I cannot lie.

My daughter wanted to stay so I tucked her into his oldest daughter's bed as my little one looks up to her and wanted to sleep there. By candlelight, I kissed my sleeping daughter's head and tried to fight back the tears surfacing in my eyes. When I came out, he said that since it was late, he would sleep around the corner at his father's. But for me, the damage was done. I was out.

I had checked out mentally when he let himself say what he had and I could not allow myself to stay. He hugged me and I felt void. I still had those same tears threatening to make an appearance, but I felt too hollow to allow them to fall. He asked me to stay. I told him I could not and he walked me to my car. I drove home and called when I settled in. I let him know exactly how I felt when he said what he had and the conversation was punctuated by my sobs. He was quiet and apologetic. I told him that now I knew that somewhere in his mind, those thoughts still had a place and how that made me feel.

Later that morning, I came back to get my daughter and we did not reference the conversation. He made breakfast for all of us. We talked and laughed. Kissed and smiled. Even napped while the girls ran amuck. So now I know what I am up against and he knows that I know...

Whew! I made it back.

So, I have returned from the party weekend at the resort with my crew and I have to tell you: once I settled into the madness, it really wasn't bad at all. Yes, I missed my love with all of my heart and, yes, I wanted to come home and spent a great deal of time texting and playing with my phone. But part of me is a nerd and a gadget lover, so I have to give into that from time to time.

We enjoyed the resort and I damned near drowned in 2'8" of water during our quest down the lazy river, but it was fun! It is so cool for a group of 11 folks to get together without drama and arguments and just act like kids. I think that is what I will take away from that weekend. I also learned that temptation is more than plentiful, but the great majority of that is the temptation in your mind. We played all of the usual games that we do monthly and the worst thing that happened to me was that I ended up getting dared to kiss my attractive friend who happens to be the city's hottest cop. Just my opinion... It would have been even hotter if I had on librarian gear and he was wearing his uniform, but that -- my people -- is a different matter.

I managed to finish the trip and get home last night to take my daughter to get ice cream and read at Borders. And as if that couldn't get any better, my love and his daughter met us at Borders. Sugar fix? Taken care of. Missing my love? Resolved. Escape from the mini-vacation not thinking any less of myself? Check.

Life is good.

Staying in Your Lane

My granny says that if you follow your mind, you won't go wrong. Over the years, I've found that her words have never led me wrong.

So here it is... I've found the man that I've waited my whole life for and the issue is that I have a whole side of my life that I have to suppress. My friends and I get together every month with a crew of guys and have a game night.

Concept seems innocent enough, but the reality is quite the opposite. So, as I've become increasingly attached to the man I'm with, I have found myself conflicted about spending time at games night.

Now here we are on a mini vacation with the whole crew and my man is trusting that I am on a retreat with my girls. I don't think I can continue to lie by omission. It doesn't make me feel good. I'm trying to be good this weekend. Distancing myself from the craziness and sexually-charged energy.

But I'm going to be doing some mental unpacking about why I have chosen to come here knowing that I would spend the weekend dodging the boys because I know that I have something better at home.

Someone that I want to wear my ring. So why do this to myself? How old am I and what the hell am I trying to prove? And prove it to who?

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And then there was tea...

Can you believe it? I'm in love. The first time that we went out, we sat across from each other gazing intently as if our lives depended on seeing behind the other's eyes. We had coffee, held hands, hugged as if we'd never see one another again and then we kissed.

We kissed at a little jazz venue named Cliff Bell's in Detroit and nothing has been the same since. When we kissed, the whole world disappeared and it was just us. That is how it still is.

He is amazing. He makes me laugh. He loves his children. He works hard and will be an awesome spouse. I am claiming that for myself because I love him so much that I cannot imagine going back to my regularly scheduled life without him. What a difference not settling makes.

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The arrival of summer

Summer is here! I know because I dropped my little one off at her second day of summer camp this morning. Yesterday, she came back drained and by the time she and her grandmother picked me up, I had just enough energy for 3 pitstops. No more! :D She was so tired that she could barely describe her day to me. But from what I gathered, there was a lot of walking, singing, and water play.

So here we are. Summer is upon us. I've already begun paying next year's tuition for school and it seems like this is how the years just seem to go flying by. But this summer will be a bit slower for me because I have a plan to get some stuff accomplished.

I need to donate like 70% of the clothing in my home. I need to simplify my life. I want to be ready for the fall and I am planning to do all that one day at a time this summer. This summer will be exactly the reason that I love this time of year.

My daughter and I will be hitting the farmers' market. We'll be enjoying air-conditioned movies at both the big theaters and the dollar shows. And most importantly, we'll be re-establishing what family means at our home.

Summer, here I come!!!

You are now rockin' with the best...

I got wild with it. Out of nowhere, I have taken an extra day off work, so I will be off 'til Monday starting tonight!!! I decided to have Saturday off because my daughter's friend's birthday party is Saturday and some things are too important to miss. The reality is we don't get this time back with our little ones and once it's gone, it's gone.

I am just too excited. Man, I am such a grown up these days. I need one of those birthday party roller whistles. That's just how geeked I am.

Dating: Almost But Not Quite

He likes me. Maybe he loves me. That's what his mouth says. I am familiar to him. Like that old shirt with the hole that we just cannot bring ourselves to throw out. But is that enough?

Is this how far we have come and just for this? There has to be more. I don't have that passion and that drive for him. Maybe because I know what it brings along with it. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Frustration.

And why was it that I was willing to give this dating thing a whirl again? Just wondering...

Off to a Rough Start

Some mornings are harder than others. This morning was that morning for me. I awoke at 7 a.m. looking at my watch wishing it were 7 p.m. I got my hostile daughter up from her slumber only to discover that she was feeling much grumpier than usual. :( Then I -- pretty unskillfully I must admit -- got her dressed and fed.

It was rainy. Cold. Overall yucky, but we headed on to school and work. We listened to our favorite classical station along the way and somehow, the morning shifted. She confided that she just didn't feel like going because it was rainy. I confessed that I felt her pain, but reminded her that rainy days are good days, too. She laughed and we made our way into the school. She was so relieved to find her class playing inside this morning. :)

I headed away in search of coffee and to pay a much avoided bill and somehow, the combination of these two lifted my spirits, even in the rain. I made it to work and saw two classes of children and entertained them with dog stories. Somehow, the rain broke and once I made it to my first class of kids, I was rolling.

So remember the rain is just that: rain. There are still good days that happen to be rainy.

BMJ's amazing technicolor dream shawl

So,my daughter goes to Waldorf school. Love the school. Love the teachers. Love the change I see in my little one. Anyhow, every morning for the last month or so, I have been eyeing this beautiful, hand-knit, rainbow silk yarn shawl. It was displayed so temptingly in the display case nearest to her classroom. Every morning, there I was eyeballing it, willing to come home with me. So, I decided to save pennies from my retro paycheck at work to get it. I prepared for, wait for it, wait for it...

$600 or so.

A sizable chunk of my retro, but this annual auction is for her school, which is one of my favorite causes right now. Anyhow, it was looking good for me at the auction. My first bid was $200 and I was so grateful that it was part of the silent auction because the live auction folks have money much longer than mine.

So along come three other ladies. I was unwavering. One lady bid only once. Now we're down to three. Another lady bowed out around $450 or so. Now there are two.

This lady was feisty! But I am feistier. However, I had to keep reminding myself that this money was for my daughter's school. Not just about a purchase. So, here we were. My challenger went $500. I went $525 and she turned to me and said, "my husband said $500 was my limit." I had my game face on. Being single seems to have its advantages because at that moment my only limitation was the voice inside my own head. And at that exact moment, it didn't care about a limit. It simply said, "Get your shawl and quit playin'!"

My mind said that her declaration of her highest bid was a trick to get me to reveal my final number. I am no fool. My facial expression never faltered. As I stepped toward the table to bid, she bumped me with her hip. Still unswayed, I then bid $525. She frowned, snatched the pen at 20 seconds to go and went $550. She tried to even stand in front of the paper. I politely got her to move -- totally against her will-- and bid $600 in the final seconds.

I already knew what I would pay and that the hands that knit that lovely shawl had a hip librarian and mama like myself in me in mind for it. I am so happy that I got my beautiful shawl and supported Waldorf education simultaneously.

Step into Outlet, Already a Mistake

So, here we are back to reality from two days of play. I was at a conference and things are going as well as could be expected for the type of conference I was attending. My co-workers and I stopped to rest in our room during the break. First mistake.

Then, we looked at the schedule of workshops and instead of missing another boring keynote presenter, we were missing the main session that each of us was dying to attend. So, then, we flew down to the session only to discover, the guy was out of handouts, so instead of just sitting, what do we do?

Head to the Coach outlet! Second mistake.

After over an hour of shopping with the assistance of our new friend, Dorothy -- a Coach employee no less -- I came out over $300 lighter. (hanging head in shame). But, on the upside, where else could I have gotten a beautiful berry & purple patchwork like this for about $120? Hmm? Where? :D

The on the way home the next day, we stopped at the outlet again. This time my co-worker set the alarm on her phone so that we would not spend more than 30 minutes. It sounded good, but this was mistake number three. We heard the alarm and hid from my co-worker while we continued to shop.

So, now I'm another $70 lighter and back to my real life. Damn...