Deadbeat

Hmmmmmm.... I seem to remember some years ago a man damned near begging me to have a baby. We stayed beefed out that weekend because I couldn't see it. Little did I know, I was already pregnant. Fast forward a few years to the present and that man is nowhere to be found. Not a card on my daughter's birthday or a call on the holidays. Nothing.

I just have to scratch my head and wonder where the first man went. That man wanted my daughter. He went to work religiously. Though he was a pitiful partner at best, he loved his daughter. Or so it seemed. Funny thing is that I have come to realize that the love was all based on whether we were together. It was all about controlling me. If I were to have a child, somehow I would be on reserve forever. I would stay with him no matter how toxic the relationship. Apparently, no one told him who I was and that I don't tolerate bullshit well.

So, once he realized that his stranglehold on our "relationship" was ineffective, he threw the towel in and gave up. Problem is, he also gave up on my daughter. Now none of this is to say that I wish he were around because, alas, I don't. The reality of it is just that I don't get it. How could someone give up on a person that they willed into existence?

That one, I will never understand and, frankly, I'm glad that I don't have the mentality to rationalize it.

Back Once Again

After a hiatus and the implosion of my other blog, a sista is back. How long? I cannot say. But I am here! Anyhow, I am grappling with a bunch of weirdness right now. None of my own I am happy to report, but still, I am managing to wade through it all.

Still a single mama. Not much has changed on that front except my child has gotten taller and wiser. I am hanging on as a librarian. No major changes on that front although I do run a branch these days. That is an entry in and of itself...

But what has been most on my mind is the fact that I seem to get involved with other people's issues and make them my own. Case and point: I have a freind whom has been one of my best friends since I was like 8. He got into a toxic relationship. And I hated to witness the flameout. But I was there and saw it end in full, blazing color. They broke up, but now they have this child who is in the middle of the bullshit. It is not fair to the baby. Kids don't ask to be here.

But he is feeling overwhelmed. I get messages from him saying that he is tired of living. Tired of the inner battles that we single parents face. We constantly play the what if game. What if I had've done this instead.... Maybe I could have changed my response and the other person would have been better off. What if I never had kids to begin with?

But at the end of the day, that is just a game and this? This shit is real. I am all about operating in the reality. Good. Bad. Or Ugly. I am just getting tired of being a mental coach that says, you can do this and anything else you damned well please. I feel like every person knows that somewhere in there regardless of whether they have a friend like me to say it. So I am getting cranky about that. I feel like some of that is eroding my normalcy...

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Happy Christmahanakwanzaakah!

There, now everyone is taken care of. Here it is the season that I've come to love (minus the snow, of course). The feeling is unparalleled, even for a Buddhist. I guess it's because the world feels a bit gentler when everyone's thinking of people and sharing gifts large and small.

This year has been a struggle. Continuously having to define myself and rebuild after domestic violence. Trying to strike a balance between my life as a mama and my life outside of the house (still working that one out, by the by). And trying to iron out the money and figure out how to surface from the smoke and debris *laughing*...

But this time of year for the last two years now has been my time to reflect. Maybe it's because of my daughter. Maybe it's because the few years that I've been on the planet have made me a little wiser. Whatever it is, I've come to like this time of year.

Last Friday, I put up my purple Erotic City Christmas tree. The colors are in honor of Prince, of course, and it actually catapulted me into the season. I was kind of in a funk, but when the tree went up, things shifted. Magic dust rubbed off on the house after I was able to take it out of it's box and ponder the passing of the year and how far I'd come...

The playing field changes in Michigan

Well, I lived to tell the story and have been skating several times since, so I guess I've got a new hobby. Roller skating... Woo hoo.

Things have been quiet recently. I've been kicking it around the house. Soaking in the quiet and enjoying spending quality time with my daughter. Minimal television, lots of playing dollies, and no fuss from her crazed father. I've just been wondering where it all goes in terms of time. I am so scared that I'll look up and 20 years will have passed and I'll still be living here.

I envisioned something more.

Especially now that Michigan has the Proposal 2 ban on affirmative action that is hanging in the balance as we speak. That disheartens me tremendously. I am saddened to think that someone could possibly vote to ban it when it only levels the playing field slightly. Universities are not overrun with students of color. At my alma mater, we Black folks only made up about 11% of the student population. You call that a handout? I am soooooo saddened by this. If it passes, sign me up for the nearest protest...

I didn't get shit as a handout. I graduated from undergrad with magna cum laude status. I finished my Master's with roughly a 3.9. I walked into job interviews impressive on paper, but my employer probably wondered how to market me. They need not worry because I brought diversity to them. I filled in blanks and got to break stereotypes down for people and that's what affirmative action provides. A chance for employers to see the real world, not just the one they work so hard to manufacture. Without it, I simply don't have the words... (shaking head)

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How do you celebrate your birthday in a full-body cast?

It's my birthday and I have not felt the festvity that usually grips me by now. Tonight I am going skating with my best friend and live in fear of an injury, but other than that, no excitement or ticker tape. Just another semi-quiet evening...

To be continued....

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Let's call him G, hypothetically of course...

Ever realized your mistake and done the Homer Simpson, "DOH!!!"

That's me right now. Egg all over my face. Years ago, I met a sincere and sweet guy, let's just call him G. G was anything a girlie librarian could ask. Sweet. Funny. Charming. Sexy. And on top of that he had a voice, ladies. The kind they'd charge $2.99 per mintue on one of those after hours commercials to hear. We talked everyday and were vibin'. Then it happened.

He said love. I said love. And I knew that I'd met love. The kind of love that doesn't give a shit about time or what's appropriate. The kind of love that begs to be addressed. Love that knows no boundaries. I was scared. Shitless to be exact...

Here it is. More than 3 years later and I'm wishing for just a brief rewind. One where I could just tell G that I want him and that I was afraid. One second to do shit right. To fly out and visit the brother when he asked. To stop waiting on him to leave and allow myself to give into the feeling I get in my chest when I think of our conversations.

Living without him was easy, it seemed. It's living with my mistakes. That's the hard part...

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How time flies

Whew! The weather is changing and man, is it cold. I can't believe that time is flying like this. My daughter is working on using the potty, I'm sneaking up on my 4th year as a real live librarian and, man, have times changed. I first came to librarianship because my former marriage was disintegrating and I needed a real career. Though I had a Bachelor's, I couldn't find a job, so I decided to go back to school and viola! I got my Master's.

It was just that simple. But now, I'm looking back and the time seems to have just disappeared.

I'm still adjusting to being a parent and finding the right balance of authority and gentleness. It's hard because she is ever changing. She was a happy innocent baby for only what seems like 10 minutes and the next thing I knew, she was a toddler who is capable of throwing a fit, yet remaining so sweet that I can't help, but cuddle her. My emotions are all over the place when I see how fast she's growing up. I become nostalgic about holding her again when she was first born. Then I wish that the climate was right for my to physically have another babe, but the reality is against me, so I'm trying to research adoption...

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A break

She's back....

It has been hectic for a sista lately. Between gearing up for summer reading and back-to-back conferences, I've barely had time to breathe. But I'm back.

I'm starting my summer reading program at the library and I think this is the hardest year of summer reading I've done because I'm alone at my library. There are no other children's librarians. Just me. This year's program is going to be the deal breaker that shows and proves my skill as a librarian. The programming is going to be all me all the time and I stay busy trying to keep it fresh.

Then throw in the fact that I've been pretty much missing in action at my library because I went to two conferences within 3 weeks. Call it what you want, but a sista has barely had time to blink. So here I am, taking a couple of vacation days to recharge myself and hopefully clean my house. :(

I'm going to try to just relax these next few days before the holiday because I need the time for a bit of reflection...

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What happened to the days we didn't settle?

Yes, my people I have returned. I took a brief sabbatical to shake some stuff around in my head. There were issues with everything: the job, my daughter's dad, etc. Sometimes the ass just drops out of everything and there you are holding the pieces, trying to look normal.

I applied for a promotion at work. I knew I could get it. I'm a librarian's librarian. I love children's programming. I enjoy the thrill of tracking info down. What more can I say? And the probability was looking excellent. There were three Librarian III gigs and three of us applied, but at the interview, I was stunned. Suddenly, there was only one job and three of us fighting and rolling around on the floor for it. I didn't scratch hard enough, LOL, so I remain a Librarian II until the next go round.

Then the drama...

You give up on love and settle. Sometimes it just happens.

I look at my cousin and her husband and they love each other. They really do. I see it when they talk about one another. When they play with their children. In their freedom to be themselves with each other. Why don't I have that I wonder...

Sure, my little one's dad is attractive, but it really stops there. He turned abusive and just couldn't loosen the reigns. I want you to know that I'm not some shivering waif in the forest and I've never been anyone's "victim." This can happen to anyone. I've got not one, but two degrees, a home and a Volvo, to boot. I say this all to say that there are the stereotypes that say a battered woman is uneducated and dependent on her mate. Bullshit!

I'm smart and funny, but somehow I became a target on his rage. Suddenly, I tipped around on eggshells in my own home. The power came to me when I stopped being afraid. Stopped seeing him as out of control. Each movement was controlled be it the yelling or the hitting. He has to take ownership of that.

I ponder these things to say what happened to the days when we didn't settle, were uncompromising even about what we expected in our mates? Where are the days of the real men who supported their families and kept their hands to themselves? Was there ever such a time or was it just that women then didn't speak out? Were they just settling, too?

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Wrapping the Buddha in tinsel

Tradition is a peculiar thing. I'm a Buddhist, but every year without fail, I have celebrated Christmas. Being Buddhist is not an anti-Christian or any other religion stance, so I enjoy celebrating.

This year, I went out and pick my very own tree. There it was at the Family Dollar near my job, boxed and waiting to go home with me. The scene embodied the spirit I've come to associate with the holiday. I laughed as my co-worker and I ran out on our lunch break and "selected" this tree. Mind you, there were only like three models to choose from.

There was the 4 foot for $10. My 6 foot, regal tree for $20. And another pre lit, 6-foot one for $25.

Afterward carrying my new tree's box out to the car, we headed to Subway and had lunch back at the library. We laughed, talked and enjoyed each other's company, which is part of why the holidays are my favorite. People feel closer. Laugh a little louder. Share a little more.

A few days passed without much brew-ha-ha...

Then Sunday rolled around. We unpacked the tree and the baby was "in charge" of the boxes. Essentially, she grabbed empty ornament boxes and shook them around. Hard work, but someone has to do it. After about an hour and a half, we had a tree complete with purple lights (in honor of my favorite singer, Prince) and purple and iridescent ornaments. What a joy...



I now interrupt this festive moment with a bit of sadness about the changes at my local public radio station, WDET FM 101.9...

Allow me to say that I am disappointed. I am a twenty-something and have listened to DET with my mother since my childhood. There used to be a nice balance of local and NPR programming. We felt there was something special about DET. It offered us music that we couldn't find anywhere else. The hosts became old friends.

Then those friends are taken away without any concern for the listener. Literally, overnight, the programming became strictly NPR-based with a few local shows at odd hours just to pacify listeners. We are the ones who pledge our hard-earned money to support the station. I am so disappointed.

Two hosts left after 22 and 31 years of service to the station. There was no sense of loyalty to the hosts that had given us decades of themselves. Where will we go for the annual tribute to Jimi Hendrix? Who will give us the Halloween shows we love to share with our families?

I love this city. I am a native Detroiter. Even my degrees were earned in Detroit. DET used to be one thing about Detroit that gave me hope that there were others like me who thought outside of the box. Now, DET has buckled and I can only pray for its future.